Warrior poet and American sports icon Joey “Jaws” Chestnut has shown the world once again that he is not to be trifled with. For the past few years, he’s been content to intimidate pigs, cows, chickens, and presumably raccoon nuts, with heroic displays of processed meat, which he devours at the annual July 4th weekend at Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest.
This year, Chestnut has branched out a little further in his defense of the championship, showing that he not only faces slaughterhouse scraps but also any distraction that might arise from a injured leg, recovering from COVID or animal rights activists.
The first two entries in the list above were immediately conquered by Chestnut as He showed up on the battlefield on crutches, determined despite a leg injury and final battle with COVID. To to be raised Both metaphorically and literally, with the help of Nathan’s announcer and a rising platform, Chestnut gazed across his realm, raised his fist, and set about showing his subjects why he still deserves to be hailed as the reigning king of emulsified animal remains will.
No sooner had the first drops of hot pig juice cooled on his lips than a protester appeared ran onto the stage He wore a Darth Vader mask and held a sign that read “EXPOSE SMITHFIELD’S DEATH STAR”.
Chestnut, covered in blood from the salted spirits of so many dead animals, had no time for the protester’s attempt call factory farming and the celebration of their results in question. The hot dog champion grabbed the protester in a chokehold, dropped him to the ground and, undeterred by this act of rebellion, immediately began cramming more tubes of wet meat down his insatiable maw.
At the end chestnut won the competition by whipping up a total of 63 sausages in 10 minutes. This number is undershot the record he set last year– 76 dogs swallowed – but it’s still an excellent example of what a man can do if only courage, determination and a refusal to admit complaints about industrial meat farming propel him forward.
There is no greater celebration of American power than this show of force. As the Empire collapses, Chestnut remains unbreakable. As the earth itself gives way under our weight, he stands upright. His vision is clear and his goal is never in doubt. Every problem is a hot dog. The only solution is to eat it.
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