Polium One is a Web3 console that will never be released

A rendering of an imaginary console and controller floating in the clouds.

picture: Shomos Uddin / Polium / Kotaku (Getty Images)

The Polium One is the answer to a question no one has ever asked and never will. It is a “next generation console for Web3 gaming”. That is, a rendering on a website for a fictional machine that I believe will absolutely never be made. I challenge them to prove me wrong.

To get straight to the point, “Web3” or “Web 3.0” is the generic term for a number of transparent apparently Fraud, from the delusions of cryptocurrency to the embarrassment of NFTs. It doesn’t really mean anything, and when you see someone using it, you know you have to steer very far. So yes, the Polium One!

Polium, a company so well known that it wasn’t even able to get that Twitter handle with just an underscore after the brand name, has announced its intention to create the first console designed for…for…the thing. You know. The Web3 stuff. Um, like, payments! Yes, the payments! You can pay on it with all kinds of crypto!

Seriously, that’s all it has. The hilarious website that proposes a supporter launch in 2024 and 2025 for the Hoi Polloi has an FAQ that offers absolutely no answers other than which bullshit payment networks it will accept. You, a nocoiner, might want to ask “What games will be available at launch?” but all you’re told is “We are currently in talks with several game developers.” Meanwhile, a true believer will want to know that you can spend your fake money via Ethereum, Solana, Polygon, BNB, Imm…

My favorite question in the FAQ is “What will the specs be?” And not just because of the arduous effort of not splitting the infinitive. Here is the full length answer:

“Our goal is to build a high-performance console. The specifications you see on the website will not be confirmed until we have a working prototype.”

A high-performance device! Where do I pre-order?!

As for those “specs” on the website, as far as I can tell they are the following: 4K Ultra HD, TouchID, 8K HDR, Ray Tracing, up to 120 frames per second.

Let’s break this down. It’s 4K AND 8K, has ray tracing and 120fps on its graphics card, and boasts… Apple’s 100% TouchID, unavailable to outsiders! Daring claims!

It really doubles down on that TouchID explanation, which it is absolutely cannot haveand claims it’s also the technology designed to stop others from sneaking in and using your console to spend all your crypto on a picture of a monkey.

However, if you want to spend all your own crypto on a picture of a monkey, the console has your back and offers a “multi-chain wallet to trade, exchange and bridge” as well as “buy and trade NFTs and In”. -In-game items.”

It gets even funnier when you check out Polium’s middle side, which tells us that “the console is created by the community”. uh, huh? Well, you see, “We’re taking pre-orders before the console’s hardware is fully built. This will help us collect customer feedback, ideas and validations.” Ahhhh. They will take your money before anything exists to feel more valid. I have it.

let’s remember none consists of. It’s a rendering alongside a series of nonsensical claims and a promise of a prototype “in a few months”. Nothing suggests a roadmap to victory like “in a few.” But where suddenly there is a puddle of details is a model of its “clean dashboard”.

A model of the Polium dashboard that will never exist.

picture: polium

Check out this selection of games! There is Other side, the “Metaverse” game from Bored Ape Yacht Club that will never be fully released! There is decentralized, the miserable virtual world of NFTs! There is Main road, an in-alpha online mall! Etc. Any “game” it imagines running on the system is a gross jumble of ways to spend money and requires you to “plug in a wallet” before you can play. It’s not subtle. And of course, none of this is confirmed for the Polium, because the Polium is entirely imaginary at this time.

And we didn’t even point out that the emblem is that of the Game Cube and has swapped its negative space G for a P. Or how the controller is a Dollar Store Dual Sense with the trackpad dropped.

So how do you buy one? Because God knows you really want it now, right? Well, you happen to have to spend a lot of crypto for a “pass”. A pass that you can then use to exchange it for a console once the thing goes out of production.

BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! Buy a Polium Pass as soon as the company has the guts to make it live, and you’ll also get a “Free” Playables PFP NFT! That is, a JPEG of a “retro robot,” and like so much of this gibberish, Polium will “provide more information later this year.” How will you pay for things? With “PLAY,” a token that Polium “will provide more information about later this year.”

It’s amazing how much information will be provided later this year as if the announcement of their fantastic product came as a surprise to Polium Underscore Underscore.

Every section of the site is just so (un)funny. Like the “road map”. Oh my god I love it so much.

The so-called

screenshot: Polium / Kotaku

Perfect. To have Everyone my money.

We’ll of course keep you updated on every step of Polium’s development, from when it starts taking people’s money to its final announcement that it won’t go any further after all.

If this thing ever gets released I’m going to set my own head on fire.